Gladiator - ( 8 / 10 )

Director: Ridley Scott

Starring: Russell Crowe, Joaquin Phoenix, Richard Harris, Oliver Reed.

Perhaps the first great movie of the new millenium, probably.....yes. The sword and sandal epics that had so dearly been missing since the 60's, returned with a bang in 2000. The film was garnished with five oscars, which included a nod for Crowe as Maximus, the films hero. The story, in case you have been serving time over the last 7 years in Parkhurst for below average burglary, is that the emperor of Rome is hoping his favourite leader, instead of his son, will follow his legacy, and be a great ruler of Rome. The son, played by Waqkeen Feenix (he should change it to that) is intending that his father will pass leadership on to him, although it looks to be going all tits up for him, when he gets word that Big Max is first in line. It's like being Wayne Bridge at Chelsea with Ashley Cole signing the dotted line. Your in trouble. Waqkeen gets up tight, does the usual stuff like murder his dad, and then he tries to pop Big Max off too. Max is too smart though, and escapes. He heads to find his family murdered, and then ensues a big roller coaster of revenge aimed at Waqkeen, for taking away his nights of playing football with his son, and having an early night with the mrs.

Max goes to Rome, and there he is turned from being called 'The Spaniard' (I can't remember why he's called that) into being 'Gladiator'. He is trained by the awesome Oliver Reed, who sadly died during the making of the movie. They used brilliant CGI to finish his scenes. Good job it wasn't done by Peter Jackson, or Oliver would probably have had green skin, eight limbs and been voiced by Dot Cotton. I digress. He becomes the best Gladiator in town, also known as Rome, and is confronted by Waqkeen in the colloseum. The Waq looks like a kid that was picked on in my primary school, with his cleft palate, so it's hard for me to take him seriously, but this will not affect your viewing pleasure. I realise this constituted bullying, and am not proud of myself. He brought it on himself, they always do. Where was I? Ah yes.........The Waq thought Big Max was dead and can't believe he is as hard to kill as Steven Sea Gull. He keeps him alive, but the son has powerful allies, and in the end Big Max is captured and chained up. No, not like that.

The Waq's sister, who is pretty hot by the way, fancies a slice of Max, even since they were small. The Waq also fancies his sister, which is obviously wrong, although as I said, she is pretty hot, so it's all good. When in Rome........
The sister helps Max escape with the input from a few old blokes who love talking politics. He is set up however, and has one option.....he must fight The Waq, in the colloseum, one on one. It's like Tyson v Bruno. Only one man could ever win, but the cheating Waq cuts Big Max, so the fight is more even. I won't give the ending away in case by some bizarre manor you haven't seen it, but I will say that blue camels were a bad idea, especially doing that to each other.

This film has some brilliant action sequences in it. In fact, I would say they are close to the best I have seen in cinema, although I personally think that the Braveheart fight scenes are the best, for what appears to be real tough stuff. This movie has one big opening cracker battle, with forests on fire and an earthy feel. The best fights for me however are the ones in the colloseum, of which one involves a couple of tigers. It's simply great stuff to watch. The acting in this film is also really good. Everyone seems perfectly cast, and I think Russell deserved his oscar. I'm also a massive fan of Djimon Hounsou, who plays Juba, his coloured comrade. If you haven't seen Amistad, do it, as he gives one of the best performances of the last 30 years in that, and still managed not to get a gong. Plodder.
The music is quite simply up there with the best movie soundtracks of all time, and it fits the film perfectly. The track during the big main colloseum battle is awesome, and the music at the end gets heart strings tingling all round. Did I mention the music at all? It's brilliant. Lock in the score by Hans Zimmer, it comes recommended by me, that's for sure.

Favourite Scene: The scene where Max delivers his killer speech to Waq is my favourite scene, as I love memorable speeches, and to me, this is one. He also sounds like he is nursing a cold, which adds raw realism. Here's a link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jkN8Yx7p9H8

Favourite Line: This comes before the big battle at the start for me, in the misty forest the romans are ready to rock, all be it a select few who get a spur from Max. He addresses them with:

Maximus: What we do in life.......echoes in eternity.

I think the only thing stopping this from a higher ranking is probably some slightly tedious political bits about Rome, although some people would love them I agree, and the opening scenes between the old emperor and Max do draw on a bit. None the less, this film is definately a hit with me, and one to savour in the collection.

The Text Message

This is a yarn passed on from a couple of years ago, but it's one I never tire of hearing. A bit like Morgan Freeman's voice. It involves an unpredictable gentlemen and two of his mates. They were all quite excited about the prospect of a night on the tiles, and their warm up consisted of developing an interesting punch. This has nothing really to do with the story, but I like the ingredients so much I feel it only fair to share them. One bottle of gin, one bottle of vodka, one bottle of bacardi, one bottle of white wine...........and a can of lilt! These are the type of men we are dealing with in this tale.
The host of the gathering was dishing out punch like s*it in a field. They were all getting gradually more cut whilst watching something as bad as the x factor. Does anything worse exist? Let me know if it does. Anyway, they were giving their full attention to the visual braganza on ITV 44 + 1 channel, when the hosts phone receives a message. He sniggers to himself, and explains that the girl he has been pestering lately has told him that she is about to have a shower. Pointless, but luckily true, for the story. The host then replies, joyously writing the words, "Are you going to dry your tits?" The host then makes a fatal error. He goes to the bathroom, leaving said phone within paw snatching clutch of his two mates. They waste no time in flipping through his phone book as he lays junior cable in his porthole under the stairs. Their fat fingers rustle through the names as they suddenly hear the flush attempting to work. In a flash of panic, having already written the word 'TWAT' in the message window, one caring fellow decides to send this message to the name he was on, titled.......'DAD'.
The cable layer returns, oblivious to proceedings prior. After about 10 minutes, his phone goes again. He looks bemused, as the two mates, trying not to laugh, can't wait to see the reply. The host is now looking most worried and makes his confusion audible. He has received a text from his dad saying simply, "Was this meant for me??" Of course the host knows nothing of the mates tidy work on the keypad, and announces that he has received a text from his dad, and tells them what it said. Now uncomprehendably bemused, the host explains to his mates how he must have sent a text saying: "Are you going to dry your tits?" to his dad by mistake. A brilliant moment for the two mates, who have never told him the true story since.

Don't Mock The Haka

As a fan of most sports, I enjoy watching two teams pit their wits against each other in the heat of battle. The Kiwi's haka on the rugby field is one of the greatest sites in world sport, and the game hasn't even started. This little tale proves that it's not worth taunting them while they do it.

During a Tri Nations match between Australia and New Zealand, the Kiwi's were performing their war dance, but against the norm, Aussie player, Willie Mason, was shouting expletives at them, a sight seldom seen during their line up in front of the dance. Mason took offence to the look of Brent Webb during the haka, which sparked his taunts. This did not go un-noticed by the Kiwi's.

Approx four minutes in, Mason received a pass in midfield. He raced forwards, only to be hit by what must have felt like a freight train, as David Kidwell threw his body into Mason, with a dose of revenge about it. Mason sported a black eye for three weeks, blackouts and headaches. He was later in hospital with medial internal bleeding............he has not mocked the haka since.

The Damp Sock

This story involves four men, two women, a sock, and an event that will live in the memory for a while.
Going back a few years, a mate of mine had four aussie fellas staying with him for a weekend. With plenty of tourist options for them to do in the city, they instead piled into a plethora of pubs, oozing in the local clubs, and getting a feel for the english saturday night out. After singing their national anthem on a table and being chased out with pool cues, they went to the main city nightclub and adorned their dancing hooves. The dancefloor was on fire, and two lucky soldiers managed to pick up a member of the opposite sex. Aussies are not normally this fussy however. They all left the club at kick out time and did the ritualistic events of taxi's, kebabs and looking for places that sold more drink. In failing on option three, they headed back to the house they were staying at, as it contained some form of dodgy overseas whiskey, which tasted like a domestic cleaning product from Botswana. Anyway......everything was rosy at this stage. After spending some time in the lounge, they all decided the central heating was warmer than a camels saddle, and some people removed their shoes and socks for extra comfort. The two lone rangers went up to their room, the other 'pick up pilot' went with his good lady to his room, which left the man in question, in the lounge, with his good lady.
Needless to say, they were getting along great, she loved Neighbours and he loved Corry. Before he could say 'no', he was being plummeted into an act of fornication, after having his hands in the fishbowl, and the friction between them was not dissimilar to that which had been witnessed on the dancefloor, some 4 hours earlier. As their ravenous session came to a close, the antipodean needed somewhere to locate his ambrosia cream custard, as he was in no position to become a father. He grabbed the closest thing that looked amiable, one of his mates socks that was lying near the tv. How nice of him.
After a good nights sleep of about 3 hours, people came downstairs in dribs and drabs. The other girl from upstairs being one of them, announced that the two girls had to leave in five minutes. Some rushing around woke everyone, and they were all back in the lounge again. To cut a short story long, the aussie fella couldn't wait to see his mates face when he took his damp sock away from near the tv. However, his face went somewhat purple when he watched his 'girl' pick up the said garment, as it was hers all the time. The next 30 seconds was one of the most cringe worthy in his life as he saw the poor girls face as her hoof hit the thread. He wanted to be somewhere else. He couldn't say anything, he knew that she knew what had happened, but she remained silent, slowly wriggling her toes through what must have felt like an otters pocket.
Needless to say, after they had gone the lad told all the guys the story immediately, and it remained the laughter point of the weekend, and well beyond. Is it bad to find this amusing? I do not know.

The Big Lebowski - (7 / 10)

Director: Joel Coen

Starring: Jeff Bridges, John Goodman, John Turturro

This movie is a rare breed. Normally, if a movie can contain one truly memorable character, it has done a successful job. This movie, however, has produced three of my favourite movie characters, in one clean sweep. 'The Dude', played by Jeff Bridges, is what most men want to be. He does no work, he seems to have money, drinks a lot, and hangs with his mates all the time, talking crap, and just being generally lazy. 'Walter', played by John Goodman, is an ex army nut, who thinks nothing of pulling a gun during a league bowling match because he thinks 'Smokey', may have crossed the line! Genius film making. Finally, 'The Jesus', played by John Turturro, is pretty hard to describe. He is like nobody else I have seen in movies, and you will have to see the film to hear some of his great lines, and even better outfits.

The plot basically revolves around 'The Dude' having the sirname Lebowski. Some hitmen come after him, although they are chasing the wrong Lebowski, and have him confused with some millionaire, whose daughter is in a whole lotta trouble. In the scene where the daughter meets 'The Dude', she offers him a blowjob for $1000. Dudes answer, "I need a cash machine". Did I mention I love this film?
In a convoluted unfolding of events, which involve ten pin bowling matches against freaks, a marmot, kidnapping, a case of mistaken identity and a large amount of white russians, the film remains highly watchable throughout. I think it also benefits from more than one viewing, and benefits even more if you watch it with mates, after some beers. The only real reason this film was given 7/10 is because of some odd dreamy sequences, which were a bit slow in parts, and seemed at times, unnecessary.

Favourite Scene: This, for me, is the scene involving 'The Jesus', after finding his league game has been switched to a wednesday, because Walter won't roll on the saturday, because it's the Jewish day of rest. Only in a movie this crazy, could this make sense. Here is a link to the scene.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umc0MCB9VyA


Favourite Line: During a standard bowling match.

Smokey: Yeah, but I wasn't over. Gimme the marker Dude, I'm marking it 8.
Walter: [pulls out a gun] Smokey, my friend, you are entering a world of pain.

This film truly rocks, I recommend it to everyone to at least see once, although it's definately not everyone's cup of tea. Strange it most certainly is, along with original and rib tickling. Always remember.......The Dude abides.......

Movie Reviews

Feel free to request me to review your favourite films. Just give me a few days to track down the movie if it's one I haven't seen!!

Sleeping Beauty

This is a recent story involving a fellow inmate of mine, who had recently found himself a new girlfriend, or at least, what could have been.
It was a humid September evening, and the gentlemen in question was sat at his rented shanty town abode, watching England's dismal performance against South Africa in the rugby world cup. He had the remote in one hand, and Readers Wives in the other. His flat was convoluted with mirrors, as the man in question is the self proclaimed 'Handsome One'. A true gift to the world from the lord above. Self praise is no praise. I have not heard anyone else call him this, but for the story, he is, 'The Handsome One'.
Just as he was turning to the last few ads in the magazine he was 'reading', his phone bleeped like R2D2, and he received a text from his latest squeeze. Did I mention that he had over achieved massively? Anyway. She had been out with friends and they had gone home, but she was not far from her new fixture, so she thought they could meet up. She was only four stops away on the underground after all. 'The Handsome One' was up like a shot, looking in mirrors like Narcissus, and preparing himself for the meeting. Perhaps feeling a bit shy, he thought he needed some assistance, so he called on a fine bottle of corner shop rocket fuel, which doubled as red wine. Grabbing his trusty tankard, which he won for swimming a metre at primary school, he proceeded to guzzle the entire bottle at awesome pace, and was feeling the effects shortly after leaving the flat.
With a bounce in his stride 'The Handsome One' was looking forward to the evening ahead. "I might get lucky" he thought. If not, at least England got stuffed. 'The Handsome One' is not from these shores by the way, which is his excuse for what happened from here on.
At the station he reviewed the rolling boards through blurry wine vision, and made an executive decision on his planned route to meet 'the squeeze'. The day had gone so well so far, and it could surely only get better. He boarded the train, sat next to the window, got very comfortable, and went on his merry way....................... About two hours later he woke from a deep slumber to find himself in a decent mess. He had not only fallen asleep on the train, (he has a history of public transport narcolepsy), but he was informed by the guard, who saw he required assistance, that he had in fact originally caught completely the wrong train anyway, and was never on target to meet 'the squeeze'. As the guard chuckled to himself, 'The Handsome One' reached into his pocket to find he had 6 missed calls and 2 messages. The last has since gone undisclosed, but I believe this was the clincher in sealing the demise of the relationship. He left the station, found he was miles away, and the area looked like a scene from Fight Club, with gangland boundaries, he decided to seek refuge in the tube station, sleep some more, and worry about everything the next morning. I think this story has two morals. 1. Don't down a bottle of wine. 2. Ask at the station if you are not quite sure which train to catch.