Superhuman Fencing

At the turn of the century, two friends of mine set out in their local town for a fix of millenium blues. They headed out after tea, and were ordering their third pint by 5pm. Yes, they took an early tea, like a poor cricket team who have been bowled out early. By 9pm they were dancing on tables, struggling to hammer a sentence together and oozing vodka sweat. Somehow, they were let into the local nightclub by 10pm, but if you knew the club, this would not suprise you. It's one where you have to wipe your feet on the way out.

By the time they were formally ejected from this premises at about 1am, they had managed to collect two friends, who in fact did know these two people quite well, which is fortunate, as one has managed to pass on this story.

Now allow me to explain the build of these two 'heroes'. One, who I will call 'Doogie' is in his 20's and a fairly standard build. The other, whom I will call 'Guns' is not standard. He could give Arnold Schwarzenegger a bench off, and have a good shout. He is calm of nature, but could lift you off the ground, whilst you were sat in your living room, including the living room. He is a unit, enough said. Anyway........Doogie and Guns were amazingly drunk on their journey home. They lost one of their collected friends before long, but the other remained loyal to his two mates, who constantly told him they loved him, and that he was the best bloke ever etc etc.

On the route home, they passed a school. Ideal place for them to stop and have a slash, they thought. Doogie went into a bush, but Guns went out of sight round by the science block, worringly for the third party friend. After a couple of minutes, the friend went to check up on Guns and found him pulling his trousers up, after he had just layed an almighty cable on the school turf, and used leaves as finishing paper. Amazed and disgusted, the friend brought Guns back to the front of the school, where Doogie was swaying in front of two police officers. They informed the now hideously drunk pair that urinating on the school grounds was illegal. Just as Guns was butting in to say that he had in fact manufactured a large brown cookie, the friend sweet talked the police, and they got away unscathed.

Now for the crux. After the police had gone, Guns thought it would be a brilliant idea to steal something from somebody's garden. Now this would normally entail something lightweight, like a 'for sale' sign, or a pot of some sort. "Not today", thought Guns. Today he could move something impossible. Feeling like a superhero, he proceeded to rip out somebody's entire front fencing. Now, this was not like boards of timber, oh no, this was five concrete posts connected by hefty metal chain links. Anyway, Guns got to work, ripped it all up, wrapped himself in it, and carried / dragged it home, amazingly not getting pulled up by anybody between there and Doogie's home, where he was staying. The third party friend left them, and Guns dumped his new found gift on the front drive.

In the morning, Doogie's mum came in with two scolding cups of tea. Doogie in his bed, and Guns in a coma on the floor. She woke up Doogie and said, "Can you please move whatever you have left on the drive, as I need to get the car out?" "What is she talking about?", thought Doogie. She led him to the window and showed him their new fencing, posts and chain, all in tact, piled up. Doogie racked his brain, which did not take long, and he had absolutely no idea what it was, or how it got there. He came up with a dreadful excuse, like a football agent on a bung trial. He said, "Oh, that's um.....um.....part of Guns' fancy dress costume". His mother did not contest this fact, nor did she implode with rage, but merely asked again if it could be moved, so she could go out. Doogie held a scolding cup of tea against Guns for a good 20 seconds before he flinched. Doogie explained to Guns about the fence, and he had no memory of the whole thing either, except he wondered why his back felt like it was in a vice. They went down to move the fencing, but could not shift it an inch. Their superhuman powers of 30 alcoholic drinks had departed them. They had to get no less than 4 mates to help them shift the fence off the driveway, due to its immense weight. The third party friend was one they called. When Doogie phoned him he said, "I know I haven't seen you for ages, but"....etc etc. The friend then explained how he had walked them home, the school and police business, everything. It took six bodies to transport the fence back to its owner at 3 am the following night. It was not hard to see where it had come from, and there was a soil trail on the pavement between there and Doogie's house.